I Will Always Remember When The Doctor Was Me
by hello-there-darling42
Summary: The tale of the three lives of the Doctor's leading up to their regeneration. See the sorrow and pain in their lives and the brilliance and happiness. See his thoughts on companions and their endings in one short sitting. (Linked with 'I don't want to go' also by me. That story IS chapter two)
1. So Was I

Rose, Rose, Rose. He could sing her name, write it onto the walls of history, carve it in some language on some ancient stones in mesopotamia or with the Aztecs. He could run all day with that name- with that person- and he did. All they did was run and it was wonderful.

Her blonde hair was wonderful, her cheeks were so pink and rosy. Her browns eyes were big with awe, amazement and excitement- even as they faced death. She blocked out the screams with her laugh and the images with her smile. She made him see the world brighter, even when all hope seemed lost because she- she was Rose. She was so human and wonderful, she put a whole new meaning on that red flower. Red for compassion, red for love, red for hope, red for her. Her cheeks when she blushed and her lips when she bit them, and even her little tongue that poked out of her mouth when she did _that_ smile. She was Rose, she was perfect.

But now he was sending her away.

Brilliant he told her, called her a genius as he ran on the TARDIS with fake enthusiasm. Pulling levers as if to fly them back to some other time in the same place, pushing buttons in hope to impress her one last time as he studied that beautiful face she had. He lied to her, last thing he told her was a lie, but it kept her safe. So he supposed that was worth it.

He could hear her screaming his name, to let her out of that old blue box that traveled the universe. He hated that box now, hated everything now. And he really hated the Daleks more than ever. They had taken his home, his people, and now they made him send away Rose. His Rose.

Faced with a decision. Earth or the Daleks. Which one? A coward or a killer? A coward anyday, always a coward. Didn't even have enough courage to die along with his people, let them die on their own. Always running, never stopping because he couldn't look back. Not now, not ever- not that he really thought ever was going to extend past the next ten minutes but still.

The Doctor heard that whooshing before he turned to see what he knew was there. What he expected. How had she done it? _How?_ His wonderfully brilliant Rose always running into trouble came back to her Doctor to save him, to help him because that who she was. She was glowing and beautiful and-

Dying. Rose was dying.

The whole time vortex running through her little human brain, if she was a time lord it'd make her a goddess. But she wasn't, she was human, and every action she took that day was human. She destroyed the daleks to save him, she brought Jack back to life because she couldn't stand losing him. Even taking it out of her wouldn't repay her for what she had done, saving her own life couldn't repay it.

He felt every cell in his body dying all at once, pain running through him as he tried to retain it all in his hand. It was all so fantastic really, absolutely fantastic. And he didn't mind dying if that means her song kept singing it's tune for a good sixty years. She was fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. And you know what Rose? _So was I. _


	2. I Don't Want To Go

There were times with Rose, even she couldn't fix him. Times where the darkness overcame him and that smile didn't go back to normal for days. Times he only smiled to her and only acknowledged her on any planet they were on, Rose would have to ask him even if the other person was standing in front of them. He'd tell her and she'd tell them, she knew these moods and what set them off. She knew being anywhere near danger set him off in this protective mood. She wasn't scared of it, no, but he was.

She saw it but he _felt_ it.

The Doctor couldn't help to bubble with anger as Rose's face was taken, when her mind was taken over by Cassandra, when they were stuck on Krop Tor, or when gas masked children threatened to make her one of them. All those times, and many more times, he had wanted to break apart the universe to get her back. The rage she saw, the sadness and the sorrow was nothing compared to what built inside him, day after day, trip after trip. Because one day he knew, that she wouldn't come back. She would be gone. And he always thought "today is the day I lose her" when these things happened, when she became yet another victim in his complicated and dangerous lifestyle.

One of the first time's he could have lost her, back on London with the Slitheen, he had a choice. To take the risk of losing her and save the world, or keep her. In the end he chose to save everyone, after making sure she'd be safe. That was when the initial panic began to sink in, even when they were faced with death before, it only dawned on him then she could be gone so easily.

And she was gone easily. Because today was the day, the day the Doctor lost his world in the matter of seconds. The day the Doctor lugged himself back to the TARDIS hopelessly and cried for hours on end on her bed, snuggling with her blanket that still smelled like her. The day the Doctor screamed at a TARDIS manual and threw it into a supernova because it said he couldn't get back together. The day the Doctor had destroyed multiple stars simply because he needed his anger to be released. He didn't check if they were supporting some small planet or life system no- he just blew them up and burnt them out as if they were a candle. It didn't matter, she was gone.

Facing her on that beach those days later. Not even a hundred hours without her and he was already going mad with grief and anger, he had to play calm. Sad and calm, but he wasn't calm- he wanted to rip the world apart and he would if he knew she would be fine, but she could die if the universes started to collapse again. Even seeing her made him feel better, hearing her voice even though she wasn't really there. There wasn't a beach or her pink cheeks and crying eyes, a sobbing voice that choked out I love you before he faded away.

When Donna had landed in the TARDIS he just wanted to get rid of her, especially when they were at the wedding and he saw that blonde being dipped down by a tall man in a suit. All he saw was Rose, Rose and him and their "hello"'s after Cassandra had left their bodies. When he flooded the tunnel he had every intention to go with it because what was the point? There was no Rose, no pink and yellow human who would run out and hug him when he got back into that god forsaken blue box of his. No hugs or kisses from her, or the smiles that made him melt inside. No- that was gone. All gone. If it wasn't for Donna he'd be dead, but he wasn't sure he cared.

Martha was great, he had mistreated her though. That whole year they were together and all he went on about was Rose and how she was godly and perfect- she was of course, but a girl who fancied him didn't want to hear that. So it wasn't much of a surprise when he had lost her too.

Donna came back- oh that was brilliant. Investigating all on her own, searching for that same blue box every day in and out because she wanted to travel with him now. She made him smile, truly laugh and smile despite Rose, despite it all. His best friend, but in the end she had to forget, and he lost her too. He became just another bloke, John Smith he had told her. Another bloke she could never see again for his fear of her remembering. That killed him too. But even then it all lead back to Rose.

His clone, as soon as he'd seen him, he was amazed. He was happy there were two of him now, double to mind power so he could get adventures done twice as fast. No one expected two Doctors. But as he realized, saw he was human, he realized- even with his Rose in his hand- what he needed to do. He needed to give him up to her, leave her again on that god forsaken beach. Never getting to tell her, never completing that sentence and having the other him win the kiss and the girl as he sauntered away into that old machine. The only thing that never left him. He never did get a proper goodbye, a bittersweet ending he supposed. Just bitter for him though, just bitter for him.

When he collected his reward of course he visited her last, and he smiled again. Smiled at the girl who had it all to come, his past self getting to live in the moment forever. That what was great about time, she was never gone, not really. Those moments were there, all of them, and she'd live them all out forever. And when she said that goodbye, with that smile of hers and the way she turned her body and run up the stairs- it was so very her. An adventure, her whole life just an adventure.

If he could die from heartbreak he would've already, the radiation was doing it on him but his hearts were already dead. They'd been dead for years, only beating for a few fleeting hours he got to hold her again before watching her run off with a man who looked exactly like him. That wasn't fair.

That was life though, his life. The sacrifices he had made to save the worlds and the universes every time. He always lost something in the end. And dear how he hated endings. He tried to express it to the air around him, the air that once held every breath of his favorite people in the world- even Jackie Tyler, but especially her daughter.

He whispered it to no one, maybe to a blonde girl he wished was there like last time, but wasn't. Maybe to a redhead who was too witty for words and burned out her brain, or maybe a medical student who deserved to be the Doctor here. But he didn't want to go. No, Rose I don't want to go. Rose, _I don't want to go. _


	3. Raggedy Man, Goodnight

Amelia Pond, like a name in a fairy tale he had told her. Told the small little Scottish girl who lived in London, and kindly fed him his first meal in that body. He liked her, she was brave. So he took her with him.

He floated her out of his TARDIS into space, had their first adventure aboard a ship supported by a star whale. Watched as she lost Rory to the cracks following them, and watcher her fall back in love with him as he waited outside a box for 2,000 years. Rory the roman and Amelia Pond, together, how it always should be. Rory was fantastic too, but there was something about that little redhead that he fancied in a family sort of way. And they were family, he ran towards them in times of darkness and need. Spent two hundred years with on and off travel with them so he could get as much done with them as possible.

They had seen a triceratops who chased golf balls down spaceship hallways, a monster that lived off of hope. He traveled with her and watched her change and learn, watched the stars make her eyes wander and planets make her head spin. She saw it, so he saw it too- through her. He watched her smile and laugh and cry, watched her make a home into his hearts. Watched her grow to sixty years in the matter of hours, and watched as she lost her only child- Melody Pond.

Oh Melody Pond, River Song rather, was brilliant and tragic. Tragically beautiful more rather, their time lines scrambled together so they met out of order. His first was her last and he first realized this when he watched her die in the library.

The times, as promised, were something he wouldn't even give up to save her. They watched stars light up the sky so bright they could read a book by it, watched as she fought the Silence along his side even though she forgot they were there after she turned away. She was bloody brilliant and mad and he _loved _it. Loved it so much more than he should, but she was River. River Song, a song that ended too soon.

River was there as he watched his human family being taken by an escaped weeping angel, standing on the side lines making sure he wasn't taken too. Come along Pond, please, he pleaded to the human he knew all too well. She'd go though, she'd get Rory because there was no promise he could get him back this time. All it took was a blink and a goodbye, a tale that ended too short. His hearts were broken in two, and if he could die of heartbreak he might have just then. Perhaps that's why Time Lords had two hearts, one to break and one to live. His chest to hurt but him to keep on going because he was him, he had to. He was the Doctor, had a duty despite himself drowning in sorrows. He never did remove their room from the TARDIS.

And then there was Clara, lovely impossible Clara. The girl who had died twice over, each time it was for him. On some adventure they were having in some time and place, but she always came back. Eventually he found her and took her with him, every Wednesday as if on a proper date- he thought that funny, the Doctor didn't date (unless you had a mess of hair and was your best friends daughter of course). But still Clara there was, beautiful impossible Clara.

A girl who had gone and died twice over, another mystery in his life he had to find out. A girl who he learned jumped into his time stream to save him, not once or twice, but the countless times over his life he had almost died. All the times he stood face to face with death and came out victorious- victorious because of her. She was born to save the Doctor, of course she wasn't the only one, but thank god for that lucky little leaf. He had said his finals goodbyes to River when with Clara, and he wished he hadn't. He wanted River to came back to him, and his hearts broke a little more.

He sent Clara away too, for the same reasons as Rose of course. She couldn't get hurt, couldn't die. But she didn't want to leave and came back swinging into the Town called Christmas hanging onto the TARDIS. She never gave up, that made him smile at the thought.

But she had gone, her voice still there but mind somewhere else as he saw his long lost friend walk down the stairs.

He wasn't sure how much his heart had broken through it all. Wasn't sure how much of him had been lost as he watched the ones he loved fade, he couldn't even count them on his hands anymore. There were too many. But that bounce of red hair, that soft giggle repaired some part of him before he even started to glow bright yellow. He was the one imagining this time, the real girl becoming not so there.

She had touched him and no more words were said after saying goodbye. His bow tie slipped over, the imagined warmth still lingering on his cheek as he gave a half smile to Clara. He saw her but wasn't looking. He wasn't afraid, not this time, but rather he was whole. For once, whole and complete as I made my way out. I said the last of the words this mouth would speak, Amelia's voice running through my mind as I went. _Raggedy man, goodnight. _


End file.
